Hate/Love

I stole this from Wendy over at On The Front Porch. I think a Hate/Love list is fun to do every so often, especially considering I have fuckall to write about at present.

I hate...

• racists/bigots/homophobes/misogynists/the willfully ignorant
• missing the train by one second
• stubbing my toe
• getting older
  
• my thighs/lower stomach
  
• cockroaches
• chain restaurants
• organized religion
  
• the terrible moment right before you throw up
• being afraid all the time
  
• cellulite
• "wintry mix" (my friend Ben and I refer to this as "bullshit")
• bad movies/books/theater
• wind so cold it hurts
• the fact that I ever started smoking
• my anxiety and depression problems
• greed
• airplanes/flying
• remembering everything
  
• the fact that people I love will die
• the fact that I will die
• the internet
  

I love...

• pizza, or anything with cheese
  
• vacation sex
• normal, every day sex
  
• a really, really good book
• a good cry (the best is that sad movie/play/book cry. Satisfying!)
  
• starting a play/finishing a play
• reading other people's blogs
• laughing until my stomach hurts and I almost pee my pants
• single malt scotch
• the moment just before a huge thunderstorm starts
• the smell of suntan lotion and salt water
• my friends
• being married
• being a writer
• seeing my work on stage
• my boobs (they're my best feature!)
  
• a cigarette with a dry vodka martini, extra olives, sitting outside on a hot summer's night
• the first really warm day of the year
• New York City
• getting out of New York City
• a beautiful pair of shoes
• getting really turned on
• getting complimented on an outfit
• ice cream
• listening to music really loud
• dancing when no one is watching
• a cool shower after a good workout
• Asian noodle soups (ramen, udon, soba, pho, etc.)
• when my husband tells me I'm beautiful
• the ocean
• my cats
• cats in general
• coffee
  
• the internet
  

Come fly the friendly skies!

Or not.

Over the past 6 months, there have been some truly horrifying aircraft incidents. First, Sully (aka The Awesomest Pilot on Planet Earth) lands his plane in the Hudson River after birdstrike (I now nervously examine any runway I'm on for birds). Then, there was that Air France flight that went nose first into the ocean, the impact turning its passengers into unrecognizable fragments of bone and what have you. Then there was that other crash where that poor girl was the only one to survive and was left to chill in the ocean surrounded by bloated corpses and to contemplate her own death for a time. Now, I know that you're safer in a car, your odds of dying in a plane crash are one in a bazillion, you likely go unconscious before you freefall at terminal velocity, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't care. My fear of airplanes is well documented. I cannot get on an airplane without xanax. Nothing bad (knock on wood) has ever happened to me on a plane, however, I cannot help but ponder the possibility of dying a terrifying, screaming, and likely painful death as the engines roar and I am flung into the air in a metal tube propelled by fire. The only thing keeping me from being sucked out of said plane to my long fall of death is some metal and caging. The good news is that the metal is usually strong enough to hold the thing together. Right?

NOT SO MUCH, as it turns out!



Do you see that my friends? That is a hole. In a plane. It happened on an American Airlines flight last night. Gawker has a pretty funny piece on it and it sums up my feelings pretty succinctly. If you read the comments, there's a really fun discussion on how long it would take to freeze to death if you fell out of a plane at 30,000 feet. FUN! At any rate, that situation gets a giant WTF from me. Don't they check the planes before they take off? Aren't there people who are supposed to be looking for, y'know, A HOLE IN THE PLANE? God. Apparently, everyone was so relieved that they were high fiving the pilot on the way out. Damn right. Hell, I'd have probably shown them some boob or showed them my thong Monica Lewinsky style for saving my sorry ass. I hope they got some hookers and single malt and made a night of it after that stress. Good lord. Kudos to them!

Then, after recovering from reading that, we have a new candidate for the Darwin award.

A bride and groom who had planned to add a creative touch to the bouquet-throwing tradition accidentally caused a plane to crash in Italy, BBC reports. The pair had hired a small plane to fly past the women attendees and throw the flowers to them at Montioni park in Suvereto, near Livorno. Instead, the plane's engine sucked the flowers up and subsequently caught on fire and exploded. The plane plunged into a hostel, injuring one but not killing anyone.

There are many life lessons here, but I think the most important is not to throw objects out of a moving aircraft. It's always a safe bet to keep the hatch closed and white knuckle it to the airport like any other normal person. Good god.

When life gives you lemons...

...you completely redecorate your apartment. It feels nice to be in control of SOMETHING.

For point of reference, my desk used to be in the livingroom (click on the images to see them full size, or you only get half the idea).

Music you should be listening to: Summer Jams '09 Edition

These aren't necessarily all new records, but these are my Summer Jams of '09 so far.

1. Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

This album is a perfect example of art pop done right. The hooks are infectious, it's breezy but not trite or empty, and it's just FUN. It's solid and there's literally not a bum song to be found. Will this record change your life? No. Is it awesome? YES.

2. The Essential Michael Jackson

It took Michael Jackson dying and several years of distance from him being in the news for me to come back to MJ, and man, when he was good, he was untouchable. I did shake my ass to "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" on my way to work this morning, iced coffee in hand...so if you saw a crazy redheaded white girl dancing badly on Madison Ave. this morning, it was probably me rocking out to MJ. This two disc set is worth your dollars - it's about $16 on iTunes and it's also on eMusic (that's where I got it).

3. Britney Spears - Circus

WHAT. I like it. I know this came out a while ago, but now that the weather is warm and I'm at the gym a lot, this is always with me. It's a bit of catchy and very well produced fluff. And I'm sorry, "Womanizer", "Kill The Lights", and "Shattered Glass" are guaranteed to get me motivated to finish that last set of squats. YES I SOUND LIKE A DOUCHEBAG SO WHAT.

4. Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes

I remember listening to this record constantly in high school. My friend Becky would pick us up and we'd play the cassette (!!) in the boom box (!!!) in her backseat that replaced a non working car stereo. If you lived in Stratford, Connecticut in the late 90's, you may have seen a beat up old car whizz by in the morning with a bunch of kids singing "Add It Up". I love that song so hard. And I love this album. I'm glad I downloaded a new version because my last rip was crap.

5. Next to Normal - Original Broadway Cast Recording


There will be an entire post about this fabulous musical. While it's not exactly "fun", it's getting a lot of spins from me. A LOT. I saw it last week and my mind was blown. Best show I've seen in years.

What are you guys listening to? Give me some suggestions! New, old, whatever!

Week in Review

This blog is kind of a cop out. I am very "full" at the moment (i.e. super f'ing emotional, and that usually means I am ready to write something soon) and my ability to write what I want to right now is sort of...well, it's not there.

I always like to comment on current events - and this has been one giant shitshow of a week! Hoo-wee! Where to begin?

1. Mark Sanford


Ah, the timeless tale of star crossed lovers never gets old, does it? 50 year old Repug from the south gets himself some decent lovin' in South America and calls it "love". Compares their relationship to The Thorn Birds (no, really). Additionally, he's so crazy and repressed that he thinks that he's living some grand love story and America is his audience. He just won't shut up about it. He just keeps being all SOULMATE BLAH BLAH BLAH and it's like "???". If she's really your soulmate, fly down there and go get her! Marry her! We don't care! But no. Conservatives are so profoundly fucked up about sex, it's unbelievable. Do you know he asked his wife to come with him to help him break up with her? Amazing.

2. Sarah Palin


Sarah Palin fucking RESIGNED. What? With 17 months left to go in her governorship. On top of that, she gave the most entertainingly batshit press conference ever, replete with bizarre sports analogies and insistence that the world needs more retarded children in it. What's next for Caribou Barbie? A show on Fox? Replacing Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View? A modeling career with Guns and Ammo? All I know is that it has been incredibly fascinating to watch the most sexualized politician in history almost destroy shit. Half this country was willing to vote for her because she flirted and winked at them, not on the merits of her experience and certainly not her intellect. She was like the Britney Spears of the GOP, and on top of that, she is ruthless, backwards, and bloodthirsty. She was a deadly cocktail of stupid with a splash of fundie and a twist of folksy. I really hope this is her final exit from politics, although I doubt it.

3. Michael Jackson


This is the song that doesn't end, and it goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and we'll continue singing it forever just because This is the song that doesn't end, and it goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and we'll continue singing it forever just because...

4. Weird Celebrity Deaths

The OxyClean guy, Farrah Fawcett, and MJ all in the same week. WEIRD.

5. North Korea thought about nuking Hawaii for a hot minute

And thanks to Team America, all I can think of is the horrible racial stereotype of the Kim Jong Il puppet (I know, I'm ashamed, but it is hilarious), scowling at Arec Barrwin, screaming "SCLEW YOU HANS BRIX!" and singing "I'm so ronery". The 4th came and went with no nuclear holocaust (not even one toasted macadamia nut) so I think we're okay. For now. At least we know where Michael Jackson's wardrobe can be used. I know I should be taking this more seriously, but I just can't.

Am I missing anything? Maybe, I dunno. I'm sure some other crazy stuff happened that I'm forgetting.

upon seeing a photo of myself at 17

I looked at you last night and you were chubby and lovely and young, so young, so very very young. I saw in your eyes the hope and possibility but I also saw that terrible, terrible sadness you carried around like a suitcase full of cinderblocks. As lovely and young as you were, baby girl, you were a mess and you were incomplete and you were wrong about so much. I am you, but you are not me yet. If I could go back and tell you how good everything gets you'd think I were crazy, and that's the problem. I've got to cut you loose because your cinderblocks still drag me under when all I want is to keep on swimming. I'll never forget you, but I've got to let you go and let you make those mistakes and let you wait and wait and wait but I promise you that one day, you'll stop waiting.

Four months an ex-smoker

On top of being The Day After Michael Jackson Died, today is my 4 month quitsmokingaversary. Wooo! Or...more like...woo? I refer to myself as an "ex-smoker" rather than "non-smoker".

Let's revisit my pro and con list, shall we? I will strike what no longer applies. New entries in blue

Pros

• Smelling better!
  
• Spending less money!
  
• Not hearing shit from random strangers on the street
  
• Not hearing shit from my friends
• Not hearing shit from my co-workers
• Stomach problems seem to be much less
  
• Teeth whiter!
  
• No more nasty ash trays. - this still applies
  
• Skin looks and feels a little healthier No. See "cons".
  
• Can taste food better this has turned out to be a con
  
• Not having to constantly dig through my purse to find a lighter
• Not having to worry about eating a mint before kissing my husband. I eat the mint anyway. I don't like mah breath to be stank.
  
• Might not die of lung cancer/emphysema (not definitely for sure, but maybe not!)
• Slightly better cardiovascular function, but not really enough to say it was all worth it
• I did something I honestly never thought I could do.
  

Cons

• Sanctimonious ex-smokers.
  
• I want to eat like all the time and food tastes AMAZING which is actually bad.
  
• My sex drive is gone. Just gone. Bye bye. Wave to it. GONE. No one is happy at my house right now. My shrink says it should go back to normal once my dopamine levels stabilize. I would like that to be now. This has gone back to normal. Thank god.
  
• I can smell absolutely everything.
  
• I don't have an excuse to leave my desk now, so I'm in the office all day besides lunch, and that really sucks.
  
• I can't sleep. this isn't entirely true anymore.
  
• I don't get time to myself anymore. Smoking was my little few minutes of time just for me every day. I would go outside or into my kitchen and it was something I did just for me, to spend a few minutes winding down. (this still applies)
  
• I can't have a cocktail anymore. It makes me want to smoke too much. Total suckitude. Now instead, I can have too many cocktails and not know I'm drunk, which has resulted in me drinking wine pretty much exclusively.
  
• Bouts of completely irrational rage. This is a good thing, but I am still quite irritable at times.
  
• Crying a lot and soul crushing bouts of depression/anxiety (this is starting to get better, but VERY SLOWLY)
  
• Acne of a 14 year old
• I am now socially anxious. I was never socially anxious before.
  
• I have lost my ability to nap and I can't really sleep past 8 am. Some may call this "increased energy". I call it "another thing I love being cruelly ripped from me".
  
• I am fat. I have gained 7 pounds in the past month. It happened all at once. I AM NOT PLEASED. I gained at least 5 of that on vacation. I have not been this heavy in four years.

So, obviously, the last set of bullet points under cons are really quite a bitch. The depression has been really, really bad. Worse than I'd expected. I still don't want to go the antidepressant route for a number of reasons, but I will if I have to. However, it is subsiding slightly. It would be subsiding more if I didn't have a face full of zits and weren't so chubby. It has also reminded me how unsympathetic people are towards depression. Because my life is perceived as being "good" to others (i.e. I have a job, I'm married, etc.), the idea that I could possibly have anything to be sad about seems to be a big mystery to some people. It is possible to be sad/depressed and still know that you have it pretty good. I am very very tired of feeling like I constantly have to validate my feelings to everyone and/or tell everyone how grateful I am for what I have. It is really annoying. If I have a friend who comes to me and is sad/frustrated with their life, I don't judge them. That's how they feel that day. It doesn't mean they have no perspective.

The weight gain has been the hardest thing for me besides the depression. I am 8 pounds heavier than I should be, which is incredibly frustrating and has made me cry a lot. My eating was a bit on the naughty side for a few weeks there (including vacation), but nothing that I couldn't have gotten away with before. Apparently, my metabolism has slowed from "turtle" to "partially paralyzed slug". So, am I "fat"? Well, no, not technically. My BMI is still in the healthy range and I work out what seems like all the freakin' time, but everything feels different. I feel like someone's strapped 5 pound weights to my legs. The only nice thing is that my boobs have also gained weight. The gentleman of the house is quite pleased with this development, and I pretty much let him grab a handful whenever he wants. My bigger boobs are a meager consolation prize for all of the crap I've put him through over the past few months. I married a sainted man, bless him.

The biggest surprise of this journey? It turns out that I have social anxiety issues. I had absolutely no idea. Smoking was a crutch for me to handle social situations. If I got upset or anxious or angry, I could step away and smoke. If I needed to "mingle", I'd find the smokers and had a built in social group at a party. I am learning new coping mechanisms to deal with this. However, it's made me a bit hermit like and has made me have to psych myself up to go out. As a result, I've been spending quite a lot of time at home and with a handful of close friends. I am hoping my confidence comes back.

Truth be told, there are days I regret quitting smoking. Actually, there are more days I regret it than more days I'm happy I did it. I loved smoking, and I can safely say that I was a happier and less bitchy person when I did smoke. Maybe it was just covering up things about myself I had to improve at some point, but it's really been horrible. There's a huge part of me still in denial that I actually quit for good. There's a part of me that is scared I'll go back and have to start all over again. But I know that somehow, someday, this decision will pay off. I know that I've survived worse than this. One day, I'll come out the other end a stronger, better person for having done something that so many fail at. Or, at least I hope so.

Obligatory Michael Jackson post

So, Michael Jackson is dead as you may have heard, unless you live on Mars or in a cabin in the woods or are a fish and live at the bottom of the ocean or something. The internet literally exploded. LiveJournal and Twitter were both down for like an hour. I was at the salon and EVERYONE was talking about it.

At the end of the day though, he was a huge huge huge part of my childhood, as he was a huge part of the childhood of pretty much any kid born after 1975. My mom said that as a toddler, I was so obsessed with Michael Jackson that I thought all black people were Michael Jackson. In fact, I would run up to heavy set black women in department stores, point, and say "Mom! Michael Jackson!". I watched Moonwalker probably a hundred times, as well as the Making of Thriller video. And to this day, nothing, and I mean nothing, can make me shake my ass like a good Michael Jackson song. I mean, come on? "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough", "Smooth Criminal", "Wanna Be Startin' Something", and "Billie Jean" are GREAT songs. Absolutely the best of the best in their genre.

The sanctimony on the internet surrounding this has been pretty amusing. I like how people think they are morally superior for pointing out that the Iran conflict is more important than Michael Jackson. E-mail that to CNN and the other news networks, because I'm fairly sure that thinking human beings are well aware. However, as unfortunate as it is, MJ dying = ratings. People being killed in Iran = changing the channel to watch Bridezillas. The news channels know this and will run this story into the ground, so save your self-righteousness for them and leave the rest of us out of it. But as we all know, sanctimony is the new black.

I could go into the whole "did he touch kids" thing and blah blah blah, but the fact remains that he led a very sad and tragic life. What an incredibly talented person, and how sad that madness won over genius in the end.

I'd post a YouTube but all embedding is disabled by copyright Nazis.

I hope he's at peace.

My feelings on Perez Hilton...

...can best be summed up in the following picture.


No, Perez, violence is never right. Neither is calling someone a faggot. Next time keep your ignorant mouth shut lest you suffer the consequences, yeah? And the civil suit is just really a bit much.

Considering he's made a living off of being a heinous little misogynist and gossip monger for years, I don't feel the least bit sorry for him. MOVING ON.

(for those who don't know what I am talking about, story here. Don't worry, I DEFINITELY have thoughts on our esteemed governor from South Carolina. I have many questions.)

Stay

The world watched as a young woman bled to death on the streets of Iran yesterday.

DO NOT CLICK if you are squeamish - but here it is. I'm not joking about not clicking if you can't handle gore. This really upset me but it's so important that this is out there.

The protests in Iran are now claiming the lives of the most innocent. A young woman named Neda Soltani was protesting with her father when a rooftop sniper aimed for her heart (supposedly because she was not wearing a veil), and in one split second a bullet tore right through it. Stunned, she sank to her knees, held up by her father, and then was on the ground, bright red blood pouring from her chest. Her eyes rolled back in her head. If you could see a soul leaving a body, if there's a such thing as a soul, this is what I saw. Then - something more sinister - from her mouth and nose poured a thick, dark blood, almost black. Different blood, blood from deep within. Her father screamed in Farsi, desperate anguished screams.

His words, though? People have translated what he was screaming out.

"Neda, don't be afraid".

Where that poor man got the presence of mind to comfort his daughter during her final, horrible moments is beyond me. I recoiled in horror at the sight of this young woman choking to death of her own blood. I'm fairly sure that it is the first time I've ever seen anyone die. It's not like Hollywood - a dainty trickle of blood coming from a victim's mouth, their face lifeless and serene. No, no, it doesn't go that way. This was horrific and terrifying beyond belief. And yet, still, "don't be afraid" - grace under the worst possible circumstances, devotion and love conquering what was most likely the worst moment of his entire life. It will haunt me for a long time.

And then there I was on the train to see a play with friends and feeling like a tool for ever ever complaining about my life. I feel incredibly grateful in this moment for my ability to keep this stupid blog and share my feelings with the world without being killed for it. Don't worry - I am not going to wax poetic about how awesome America is. Not my style, and it is mostly rhetoric anyway. We're not really free, and anyone who thinks we are free is deluding themselves. Believe me, there is death and blood every day on the streets of our fine country. It's just that we're all so complacent and spoiled that we accept certain injustices in exchange for the comforts we have. We had two stolen elections and there was no uprising, though there should have been. We had rights taken away and we did nothing. I admire the hell out of the Iranians for standing up for what they believe in, no matter what the cost.

On the train home last night, soaked from yet another rainy day this summer, I realized that I was on my way home to Mike and that alone fills me with gratitude. I'm a total asshole for being comfortable. At any moment, he could be ripped from me the way that girl was ripped from her father. And would I have the strength to comfort him, to say "don't be scared"?. I don't know. What I would say would probably be "don't leave me here". And in the end, Neda's father screamed out "Neda, stay". Humans are powerful enough to take life from others but we can almost never give it back once it's gone. What a destructive species we are.