6 drinks on a Saturday night

There comes a moment in your life when you have six drinks and suddenly everything becomes clear. For some reason, I feel empowered. I feel as if I suddenly am saying things I would never say. Is it quitting smoking? I don't know.

I've probably lost a friend and maybe I will regret it in the morning. I am seriously trying to convince myself that qutting my job on Monday morning would be a bad idea. Because it's getting to the point where I am questioning my own self-respect and my beliefs being there, and I know the economy really really sucks, and I know that there is no real lefty alternative besides living on a commune...but god, where's the middle? Where is there a solace for someone who feels like she is drowning and no one cares? If I had a choice (and frankly, I do), I would give my resignation on Monday. I'm miserable - full stop. There's no getting around that fact.

If you asked me who my 3 am phone call was, I'd say no one. I feel constantly judged and maligned and there are days that I feel I have no one and nothing.

I am too drunk to be writing this. But it's how I feel. And I am never censoring myself again for the fear of losing something. Because what is anything, really? Sometimes you become someone you do not recognize. I have become that person. And I hate her. I hate what I have become tonight. And maybe it took whiskey to get there - but I've known it for some time. And that is going to change. Right now. Because I have worked too hard and for too long to be someone that I hate. To be someone who lets other people dictate what they are.

Today is a new day, a new beginning. People may not like the changes they see. But they are happening. Something has changed in me and there is no going back.