EVERYONE PANIC

The swine flu is coming to kill us! Put down the bacon! Throw away the rest of your ham! Slaughter all your livestock! Buy your local grocery store out of bottled water and Hormel chili (SANS PORK!!!)! Panic! Panic, I say!

Except not.

I don't know if 9/11 just completely turned my panic button off or what, but I am completely and totally nonplussed by swine flu. I understand that there are lots of dead Mexicans and now a dead American baby and OMG DEATH AND HORROR but I just can't get on board with the mass hysteria at present. It's hilarious that I can't, because I am a hypochondriac and if I'd seen that low flying plane in Manhattan the other day I may have soiled myself and cried a lot. But this is just...yeah. Not scaring me. There are things scarier, like Sarah Palin, the economic collapse, and nukes. I guess it's more likely we'd all die from the flu than nuclear holocaust but nuclear holocaust just sounds scarier.

The hysteria on the subway is pretty funny. Girls are ruining perfectly cute spring outfits by wearing those horrid surgical masks. NEWS FLASH - flu virus is very very very tiny. It is definitely going to get past that cheap ass paper Duane Reade mask you have on. Of course, some hipsters may consider this a fashion trend. Hazmat suits are the new black?

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to get swine flu! I hate the flu. The flu is the fucking worst. Besides, I'm going to California in a few weeks for vacation and I am starting to do resistance training again so I can look cute this summer. I have stuff to do and the flu would really mess that up. Quarantine sounds like zero fun.

Ah well. Watch my nonchalant attitude blow up in my face and give me swine flu. It would serve me right, I suppose. But for now I'm just going to, you know, wash my hands more and maybe be a little more annoyed when some cretin coughs without covering their mouth. And not go to Mexico.

ETA: Right after I wrote this, someone from work called out. He had someone from Mexico City at his apartment and how has "flu like symptoms". FAIL.

Because New Yorkers aren't anxious enough!

I'm sure you all heard about the low flying "photo op" planes in New York this morning, right? Apparently, some douchebag in the Air Force decided that it would be a good idea to fly a replica of Air Force One over Manhattan at ridiculously low altitude, send a fighter jet to chase after it, and, oh, NOT BOTHER TO FUCKING TELL ANYONE about it beforehand. Gawker gave the lowdown this AM and has done a good job following up on it.

In this video, you can see the poor NY'ers freaking the motherfuck out, as they should have considering what happened the last two times planes were flying too low near Manhattan (9/11 and the Hudson River crash). Good on these people for having a very healthy sense of panic.

This video nearly sent me running to the drugstore for Depends. I literally would have shit my pants had I been near that. I think the most important lesson on 9/11 was simple: if there's a low flying plane anywhere near your building, you LEAVE THAT BUILDING IMMEDIATELY. Do not wait for anyone to tell you anything, you just motherfucking leave.



*screams aloud*

Well played, Air Force. Nicely done. As if New Yorkers didn't have anything to worry about! Massive unemployment, subway fare hikes, swine flu, and now a terrorist attack fake out? And people wonder why we're cranky.

RIP Bea Arthur

There really are no words for the void this talented person will leave in entertainment, but I think this is the way to remember her best.

Roast of Pamela Anderson
Bea Arthur Uncensored
comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

You will be missed, you hilarious woman.

A Scampy Sized Scare - Part Deux

I haven't wanted to post much about Scampy's ongoing illness, since 1. it makes me sound like a crazy cat lady and 2. we still don't know entirely what we're dealing with. But so much of my emotional state has been dictated by Scampy's health that I feel like I should post an update.

So, some of you readers might remember back in December when we had to take Scampy to the vet because he was really sick. If not, you can read about it here. At any rate, the vet we took him to the first time suspected bowel inflammation but wasn't sure. She told us to change up his diet and see how he did. We changed his food and for a while, he seemed to improve slightly, though not as much as we'd hoped.

Fast forward to March, and he started to get really, really sick again. I mean, barfing all the time, terrible smelling diarrhea, and losing weight. At one point, he was down to 7.5 pounds (a near 40% decrease in his body weight from the year prior). Terrified, we took him back to the vet. He weighed in there at just shy of 9 pounds, so we had at least managed to get some weight on him. The vet suspected IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease), and prescribed him prednisilone (a steroid which is a derivative of prednisone). He also took a bunch of blood and said he was going to run some tests so we could "see what we were dealing with".

The news we got was decidedly Not Good. The vet was waiting for my call the day after we brought him in because his white blood cell count had gone through the roof. He said there was a definite possiblity that Scampy could have intestinal lymphoma, a type of cancer that is almost always fatal. I was crushed and petrified. A million thoughts raced through my mind. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I felt so terrible and I was so scared that he was really gravely ill. The survival rate for intestinal lymphoma, even with chemo (at a staggering and financially infeasible $3K a pop) is really not positive at all. At best, you're looking at 2 extra years of life for your cat. The vet suggested ultrasound and biopsy, both extremely expensive and stressful for kitty. Mike and I had lots of long talks about what we could manage financially and what we could not. They were not fun talks to have. Lymphoma and IBD symptoms are almost identical, so biopsy and ultrasound are really the only way to tell for sure. It's very frustrating and scary.

Fortunately, Scampy responded well to the steroids. And when I say "well" I mean he was like a different cat. He was back to his old hijinks again - chasing Bean around the house, being active, and eating like a horse. He was still having some barfiness and diarrhea, but nothing even close to what he had before. The vet was encouraged by his response and we held off on further diagnostic testing for the time being. He said to bring him back in a few weeks for more bloodwork and to see how he was doing. We did just that.

Scampy's last vet visit was on Tuesday. He gained a half pound from his last visit (YEAH!), which is amazing in less than a month. He's eating and drinking normally. He's not so sleepy and he is much happier. The vet also did not feel any abnormalities in his abdomen during a manual exam, which is a great sign. Unfortunately, his bloodwork shows that his white count is still high. The vet said it could be from the steroids - they can affect the blood count. The only thing we have to go on right now is how he is doing, and he seems great. We have to be super careful of what we feed him (he can't tolerate all foods) and he gets his pill every other day (snuck into a salmon flavored cat treat), but other than that, he seems great. We decided not to go ahead with further invasive testing unless he gets really sick again. For now, we just have to watch and see and tweak and modify. IBD is a lifelong illness. There is no cure. Scampy will likely be on medication for the rest of his life, and unfortunately, that life may not be as long as we'd hoped.

It makes me sad to think of a world without Scampy. He's the most special cat in the universe (besides Bean, my other cat, who is also the most special), and everyone loves him. I've never met someone who wasn't a member of the Scampy Fan Club. He is social and outgoing and sweet as anything. He's also extremely funny and he loves to be the center of attention. He's the life of any party. My friends were just as concerned about him as we were, that's how much love this little tabby cat has in his life. We should all be so lucky!

For now, I am watching him enjoy this beautiful summer day, sitting on the windowsill as he always does, chasing birdies with his eyes. He seems happy and healthy and like he's doing better. I have to trust my cat to let me know if he's not feeling so good, and I have to trust myself that I'm doing right by him. But he's my Mister Buddy Man, and I can't help but be terribly worried about him. He seems completely nonplussed, however, watching the people on the street walk by, and he's just closed his eyes for a glorious nap in the sun. I should take a lesson from him.

RIP 1990's - A Video Montage

Wow. How many more ways can we mourn the decade that we loved?

First, Liz Phair sells out in the earlier part of the decade, bringing shame upon those of us who loved her:


Then Trent Reznor started doing 'roids.


Then, Tori Amos...well...I love her, but she did this.



Then, Gavin Rossdale decides to become some weird MOR balladeer, and his song becomes famous because of a movie starring Richard Gere and Diane Lane.


Then, Chris Cornell embarrasses the ever loving crap out of himself by deciding he's Pharrell or something.

And now, Billy Corgan dates Tila Tequila and does a SPOKEN WORD VERSION of Bullet with Butterfly Wings for a fucking wrestling commercial.


I kind of understand now why Kurt Cobain shot himself.*

*that was a joke.

Writing tips to live by

Stolen from Nerissa Nields' blog (if you've never listened to The Nields, you need to check them out immediately), here are some writing tips from Jack Kerouac. I really love them.

BELIEF & TECHNIQUE FOR MODERN PROSE
Jack Kerouac

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

I feel that #1, #19, and #24 are seriously words to live by. Especially "accept loss forever". I think that means so many things.

I also like #29 - "you're a genius all the time". DAMN RIGHT I AM!

so many perfect lovely things, this spring

Mike and I spent the afternoon at Brooklyn Botanical Gardens yesterday. It was the first truly beautiful day of the year, 75 and sunny, and we had a lovely time despite the crowds. Here are some pics! I finally made good use of my digital camera I got for Christmas, and I think for a point and click it did a good job! You can click on the images to see them bigger.

This one was my favorite, it looked like a Monet painting!

I love magnolia trees :).

I just liked this shot.

Pansies!

Koi fish feeding frenzy at the Japanese Garden. I'd never seen so many fishies in one place before, besides aquariums!

This tree was so beautiful. It looked like a waterfall of white flowers cascading into the pond.

Close up of the koi fish! They were really cool.

Cherry trees!

Cherry blossoms are one of my favorite things in the world.

It's fun to be a tourist sometimes and remember what an extraordinary city I live in. It was really crowded (I mean, REALLY crowded), but 100% worth it.

sometimes you fall and need a cookie

You all know I've been having a rough time of it lately. Whenever someone asks me what's wrong, I say "everything and nothing", because that's true. Sure, people are dying and out of work and at war and there's animal cruelty and poverty and cancer and I should be happy that none of those things are happening to me. And I am! I really am. I know I'm a lucky girl despite my whining. But sometimes you just have a day. Sometimes nothing but a cookie will do.

I was walking down 14th Street to meet Suzie, who is an awesome director who has mentored me through the first draft of my play (meaning: she held my hand and listened to my neurotic banter and tangents for like 4 months. She's the greatest). By "walking" I mean "walking really fucking fast" because it was like 6:30, I was late, and the streets were full of people who insisted on walking slower than a 90 year old because, you know, Whole Foods is REALLY INTERESTING. I had my sneakers on so I was able to get a nice clip going. Suddenly, in my periphery, I saw someone swooping around to pass me (walking in New York is like driving), so I tried to walk a bit more to the right, go off the curb into the street, then go back ON the curb and successfully avoid bumping into this guy. I walked back up onto the curb, and I don't really know WHAT THE FUCK happened, but I heard myself go...

"MMMMMMRRRWWAAAAGAGGHHHHUUGGGHHHH!"

...as I fell. Oh, I fell, my friends. I bit it and I bit it hard. FWUMP. Face down in DIRT. Yes, I found the one patch of dirt on 14th street that was around a tree. A Tree Grows in the Village and Kari finds it and almost falls right into it. So, there I am in my favorite coat, on my stomach, in a giant pile of dirt. As I scramble to get up, I realize there are about 10 people who have just stopped. And I mean stopped. Not like...slow rubbernecking. Oh no. This was a traffic jam to make sure the retarded redhead in the blue coat had not broken her neck. I got up as fast as I possibly could, and of course, people are all like "Oh my god, are you okay??? Do you need help getting up?" and I just rattled off the usual things you say when you've just fallen in the street in front of strangers, like "I AM TOTALLY FINE! WOW!" and "WOW I REALLY BIT IT, DIDN'T I?" and "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED!!" and "OH LOOK I HAVE DIRT ON MY PANTS HAHAHA" and then I booked the fuck out of there pretty much as fast as I could. Of course, I'm wearing a bright blue coat, so it's not like I could just blend. Everyone saw me fall, and everyone saw my bright blue ass doing the Post Fall Walk of Shame.

So I finally met Suzie, and I was like "HI I JUST FELL" and told her all about what happened. She was very sympathetic and I took another few minutes to go wash my hands (which were covered in dirt) and did the best I could with my coat and pants.

Earlier in the day, I had sworn off refined sugar. I decided I was only going to have whole grain snacks in the afternoons at work instead of the normal shit I eat (100 Calorie Packs, Fig Newtons, etc). But after my fall, I got on line to order a coffee and I also selected a large cookie. It was two pizzele cookies sandwiching a healthy portion of Nutella. It was really amazing. I sat down and told Suzie "Oh god, look at me. I'm out of control with the sweets", to which she replied, "You just fell. Sometimes you fall, and you need a cookie".

I want that on a T-shirt.

Sometimes you fall, and you need a cookie.

Date rape isn't that funny

Despite what Seth Rogan may think.

I'm really sick of frat boy humor. Et tu, America?

test mobile blog

Testing. Blog via text seems like a completely shitty idea. Twitter is one thing, a proper blog is quite another!

ETA: It worked! Technology is sort of amazing.

much ado about nothing

Since I finished my play, and since I have been in a perpetual state of blahness since I stopped smoking, I really don't feel like I have a lot to say these days. I guess we all go through times where our lives are just heinously boring!

As for me, not too much. I may have something good pan out this week (fingers crossed). My anxiety is still pretty bad but I am managing. I cleared things up after my bar blowout last weekend (including my liver - just wine for me for a while!). I had a decent Easter with the fam all things considered (though my mother insisted on smoking near me for like two hours which was REALLY annoying). I also obtained three new pairs of shoes last week (H&M and Nine West - hey, this girl is on a budget) which makes me blissfully happy. Shoes are always good. I am looking forward to the weather getting warmer and for my play to have a reading. I also have my trip to San Fran to look forward to, which is all kinds of awesome. I need a vacation like whoa.

How are you all doing? I hope Spring is treating you well so far.

Albums you should be listening to

I interrupt our regularly scheduled whiny blog post to bring you a Quarter-end wrap up of some albums everyone should be "sampling" via download or purchasing from their favorite music retailer. I already love more albums in 2009 than I did in 2008, and we're not even halfway done! You gotta love that.

The Decemberists - The Hazards of Love


Okay, I know, I know, The Decemberists make a prog musical. I know how hipstery that sounds. But really, this is an amazing record and is terribly moving. I'm usually meh about The Decemberists. Colin Meloy always sounds just too affected for me, but here it totally works. And the star of the show is My Brightest Diamond's Shara Worden as the evil Queen. That's worth the price of the download.

Neko Case - Middle Cyclone

Absolutely, hands down one of the most beautiful records I've heard in a really long time. I was a huge Neko Case fan to begin with, but this record just astonished me. A series of love songs with tornado and animal metaphors, it's a hearfelt and deeply personal record that shows a lot of range and subtlety (the latter being something we haven't heard from her yet). I just love it. And you also should get all her other albums, because she's amazing.

PJ Harvey and John Parish - A Woman A Man Walked By

PJ Harvey has gone from the quiet, introspective White Chalk to a record where she screams stuff like "I.WILL.NOT." and "I WANT YOUR FUCKING ASS!!". It's an angry record, but it's an amazing record - and credit is due to John Parish for writing such immediate and angry songs, but there are tender ones too. I have actually fallen hard for PJ after not loving her for a really long time. You all should too. Her back catalog is worth exploring, and since other lady musicians who came up in the 90's are insisting on sucking, it's nice to know that PJ is still doing her thing and bringing the crazy.

These are the three I love most so far. I plan on keeping this post going. But this is a good place to start.

PS - thanks for all the notes and comments...but really, I'm fine. I feel better and better with each passing day.

Ice cream thief vs. Jesus freak

Normally I disagree with religious zealots, but in this case...well...stealing a bitch's Klondike is just WRONG.

(stolen from www.passiveaggressivenotes.com)



Or, as my friend Ben so succinctly put it: "Jesus thinks you're a fat fuck who shouldn't be eating klondike bars". Touche, but they ARE Heath Bar Klondikes. That is serious business. I am taking both sides of the argument into account here.

I will give an edge to the the thief, if only because I'd have more respect for the religious nut if he had brought some fire and brimstone on that guy's ass. Like, I wanted him or her to use the words "smite" and "eternal hellfire". Fuck forgiveness, that hooker stole your ice cream! Ah well.

Thief: 1
Jesus Lover: -2 (extra lost points due to lack of Klondike)

reminder

I think every time I think I'm 18 years old, I need to read this note:

Dear Kari-

YOU ARE TOO FUCKING OLD TO HAVE SIX DRINKS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

love,
Kari

Sorry for the ultra emo drunk post last night, kids. I guess I've just been under a lot of stress and I have a lot of thinking to do about some stuff. My bullshit tolerance has definitely gone way down and I need to slow my roll a bit with my emotions. I don't know which way is up lately. But I know in the end I'll do what is best for me, even if I don't know what that is yet.

6 drinks on a Saturday night

There comes a moment in your life when you have six drinks and suddenly everything becomes clear. For some reason, I feel empowered. I feel as if I suddenly am saying things I would never say. Is it quitting smoking? I don't know.

I've probably lost a friend and maybe I will regret it in the morning. I am seriously trying to convince myself that qutting my job on Monday morning would be a bad idea. Because it's getting to the point where I am questioning my own self-respect and my beliefs being there, and I know the economy really really sucks, and I know that there is no real lefty alternative besides living on a commune...but god, where's the middle? Where is there a solace for someone who feels like she is drowning and no one cares? If I had a choice (and frankly, I do), I would give my resignation on Monday. I'm miserable - full stop. There's no getting around that fact.

If you asked me who my 3 am phone call was, I'd say no one. I feel constantly judged and maligned and there are days that I feel I have no one and nothing.

I am too drunk to be writing this. But it's how I feel. And I am never censoring myself again for the fear of losing something. Because what is anything, really? Sometimes you become someone you do not recognize. I have become that person. And I hate her. I hate what I have become tonight. And maybe it took whiskey to get there - but I've known it for some time. And that is going to change. Right now. Because I have worked too hard and for too long to be someone that I hate. To be someone who lets other people dictate what they are.

Today is a new day, a new beginning. People may not like the changes they see. But they are happening. Something has changed in me and there is no going back.