shut it down

As I have discussed probably ad nauseum, I have put on some weight since quitting smoking. And by "put on some weight", I mean the kind of weight that occurs when you seriously stop giving a fuck and eat Cheez Balls for breakfast (That's real life, people. That actually happened over Christmas. My best friend and I bought a giant tub of Utz Cheez Balls and kind of ripped through them). It's not permanent weight, it's bloaty, watery weight. The kind that makes your pants too tight and makes even walking around seem like you're swimming underwater. It's a drag, to be sure, and I don't feel all that healthy. However, I haven't had a whole lot of motivation to lose it either. My clothes still sort of fit. My husband still finds me attractive (he's even told me that he kind of likes me better at this weight because my boobs are bigger. Men.). I'm not overweight, according to all the little charts and things. However, I am well on my way to gaining more. I hit a high this week and that's not a good thing. That's what I get for acting like Templeton at the fair (if you don't know what I'm talking about, we can't be friends. Here's a hint).


(pictured above - Kari at Christmastime)

I knew things had really gone awry this weekend at the gym. I was on my way to the elliptical and walked past two African American gentlemen who literally shut the fuck up, dropped what they were doing, and stared at my ass for a hot minute. I have discussed this before, but I can gauge how much weight I need to lose by the reactions of black guys at the gym/on the street. I know how awful that sounds, but this has been going on a long time and it always tells me what I need to know. Usually, they'd take their stare and/or make some kind of crude comment and then resume their normal activities. I am not lying when I tell you that these two gentleman (one of whom was pretty cute, truth be told) literally shut up mid sentence and stared for a long time at my ass. They shut it down, they dropped it like it was hot.

I felt self conscious, and yet, I felt a strange comfort in it. It's nice to be found attractive, even if it's in a "I want to take a bite of your ass" kind of way. Also, it's good to know that I have reached that level of thickness. It reaffirms my knowledge that I absolutely have to bring the food train to a halt. I must admit, it was really fun to eat whatever I wanted for a whole year. Actually, the fact that I only gained about 10 pounds (give or take) is pretty freaking amazing considering the amount of pork fat and cheese I have consumed over the past twelve months (and alcohol. Do not forget alcohol).

So, goodbye Cheez Balls. Goodbye, chocolate croissants from Gian Piero. Goodbye, tempura udon. Goodbye malty dark beers, dark chocolate, entire bottles of wine, steak frites, hand cut fries with malt vinegar, cheeseburgers, egg rolls, fried rice, chorizo, bricks of parmesan cheese, spicy tuna with crunchy, green tea ice cream, Haagen Daaz and chicken skin. I will miss you all.

Hello, oatmeal and salad. We meet again.